


insults

by serenfire



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Cassian gets drunk and flirts with everyone, Crack, Everybody Lives, Humor, Multi, Nobody Dies, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 03:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8951743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenfire/pseuds/serenfire
Summary: Cassian grins with all the charm he’s perfected practicing in a mirror. “Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just excited to see me?”
“It’s a gun,” Baze says. “I’m an assassin. It’s definitely a gun.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to reblog the [tumblr post](http://bi-dianaprince.tumblr.com/post/154800617152/haaii-from-the-prompt-thingy-20-with-cassian)!

After they bring the plans back from Scarif, unable to contain their exuberance, Mon Mothma curls her lips and reluctantly allows a Rebellion-wide party. Yavin 4 has never seen such a party.

Neither has Cassian, who last touched alcohol when gathering information on Kafrene, challenging a Rebel sympathizer to a drinking contest and puking out his guts after. The informant had still given him what he wanted to know, though the specifics were a little fuzzy.

But now Baze shrieks amongst the throng of people in the hangar, parting the crowd as he holds bottles high, declaring for the crew of Rogue One, “We found their best stuff!”

Chirrut gently whacks him on the foot. “You mean, I discovered the moonshine with the highest alcohol proof, and you just carried it here.”

Baze rolls his eyes. “Exactly what I meant,” he relents. “Drink up!”

Jyn gives Cassian a thumbs-up as she uncorks the first bottle like a pro. Cassian returns the gesture with his non-broken arm, taking another bottle and drinking it just as fast as Jyn. Their eyes lock and Cassian forces himself to keep drinking, to outlast Jyn, until they both slam their empty bottles down on the table at the same time.

Jyn lets out a huge belch and Baze fistbumps her. “Won!” she declares.

“I think we may have tied,” Cassian attempts to say, but his tongue is numb and won’t respond to his attempt at Basic. His feet stumble on the suddenly wavering spaceship floor, and he topples backwards, right into the arms of Bodhi Rook.

Bodhi is just as confused as he is, eyes wide and struggling to keep them both from falling down. K-2SO plucks Cassian’s collar and pulls him upright again, and the former Imperial cargo pilot leans heavily against the side of the wall.

“Are you drunk already?” Bodhi asks hesitantly.

“No,” Cassian frowns. He doesn’t think so, but he knows for a fact the ship landed a few hours ago and yet it feels like they’re maneuvering through an asteroid belt, so. His judgement may be slightly impaired.

“According to my calculations, you exceeded the legal drinking limit after two-thirds of the bottle,” K-2SO helpfully chirps. “And since previous experiences have led me to believe that you can’t hold your alcohol, you are, without a doubt, drunk.”

Jyn holds her hand up to fistbump him.

Cassian accidentally punches her in the face.

“Hmm,” he considers as he looks at his own hand wavering in front of his face as Jyn kicks him in the shin. “I guess so.”

“What do we do?” Bodhi hisses. “How do we get him--un-drunk?”

Outside, someone hollers incoherently and bangs their fist on the hangar door. “It’s party time!”

Jyn says, “No reason to. If everyone’s doing it, why try and keep him sober?”

“That’s--that’s not how decision-making works,” Bodhi whispers, and Cassian has an urge to stand right in front of him and bop him on the nose.

Bodhi bats away his hand. “What was that for?”

“Your--clothes,” Cassian slurs. “You’re still wearing that infernal Imperial uniform. I think you’d look much better...out of it. In my clothes. Or without clothes. You know.” He’s still swaying dangerously, and could blame leaning in close to Bodhi on his inability to stand--

Bodhi sidesteps him and Cassian hugs the hangar wall. The man gulps. “Is anyone else seeing this?”

“No,” Chirrut parrots.

“Holy Hoth, it’s wonderful,” Jyn says. “He’s totally letting loose.” She grins and walks closer to him. “I never knew you had a thing for pilots, Captain.”

Cassian shrugs. “I don’t. I mean, K-2 isn’t hot.”

“Hey,” K-2SO frowns. “I resemble that remark.”

“But hey,” Cassian says, biting his lip. “You’re not too bad yourself, thief. Even if you do only care about things when it’s convenient to you and portray the epitome of white feminism with your self-centeredness and appropriation of others.”

Jyn blinks. “Was that a flirt or an insult?”

“Both, I think,” Baze frowns.

“And you!” Cassian turns on him. The man raises an eyebrow. Cassian grins with all the charm he’s perfected practicing in a mirror. “Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just excited to see me?”

“It’s a gun,” Baze says. “I’m an assassin. It’s definitely a gun.”

Chirrut pokes Cassian in the stomach with his staff. “Stop flirting with my husband.”

“I’ll stop flirting when someone better comes along,” Cassian says, or thinks he says, because he’s suddenly sprawled on the ground and his head really hurts and--why is Chirrut stepping over him, withdrawing his staff, and turning his nose up at him?

“Come on, Baze,” Chirrut says, extending his arm for Baze to hold. “Let’s leave the Captain to flirt with others as wasted as he. I left the best alcohol for us.”

And Cassian is suddenly left alone in Rogue One with K-2SO patting him on the shoulder and smoothing out his hair.

“Don’t worry,” K-2SO says. “You’ll always have me.”

“And everybody else who will have me!” Cassian says, pressing the button to open the shuttle. The slightly drunk crowds of pilots and Rebels turn in curiosity towards him. “Who wants to party in here?”

The crowd cheers and rushes forward to mob him.

K-2SO just sighs and shakes his head. Someday Cassian will learn to hold his alcohol and maybe learn to appreciate what he has along the way.

***

***

Luke has survived a medal ceremony with over a thousand pairs of eyes on him, including an actual princess, and has stood next to the most infuriating pirate the galaxy has ever met for an hour. He’s ready to fuck off and hide in a hangar until the crowds clear out. He needs some time alone, away from all the stress of the past few days, away from the newfound Force and the death of his onetime mentor. There’s also a huge party going on, and he’s not prepared for that level of celebration yet.

He ducks into a hangar and looks at the swaths of X-wings parked in neat rows, left half-open by pilots who were too excited to properly clean up. In the midst of Rebellion ships, there’s one Empire model among them with the hangar door open. Luke is intrigued, considering he’s studied models like this his entire life in preparation for the Imperial Academy.

It looks abandoned, and the Force is drawing him towards this specific shuttle. Luke walks into the ship, looking at the scorch marks on the floor from blaster fire, and a Rebellion uniform jacket left lying on the floor.

Luke bends to pick it up.

From the hatch leading to the cargo bay beneath, a head pops up and a man with disheveled hair grins at him. “Hey,” he slurs, “your poncho is hella gay and I’m super up for anything. Want to come down here and have some fun?”

Luke may be a Jedi in training, and he may have just defeated the Death Star against all odds, but he’s still only human. He screams like a child and runs right out of the ship.

 

 


End file.
